In the Void
Many
years ago I managed to obtain - with great difficulty and for a hefty
price - a book with secret techniques on raising the Kundalini (sadly,
this book is not in my possession anymore). It contained many secret
techniques for serious aspirants on the Yoga path.
In this book was described how, in the advanced stages, the seeker will
experience a great obstacle, a place of danger where many fail. The
seeker would have to traverse the void! According to the book this was a
place where the human mind couldn't function, and unprepared seekers
risked getting stuck in the void for good. The only way to traverse the
void, the book said, was with the help of a symbol of great personal
meaning that one could hold on to whilst in this state. Only with the
help of such a symbol would one be able to safely traverse the void.
However, here’s the catch: one would not be able to remember that symbol
unless it had been so ingrained that it had become part of oneself!
I read this chapter several times with great interest. It intrigued me but it all sounded very abstract. I couldn't imagine what kind of symbol could possibly carry me through a place of no mind and complete nothingness, not to mention the paradox of keeping the symbol in mind when there is no mind! The void described in the book definitely sounded like a scary and dangerous place, and I had no intention to visit it, nor did I think I was so advanced that it would just happen to me in the near future. Little did I know...
I read this chapter several times with great interest. It intrigued me but it all sounded very abstract. I couldn't imagine what kind of symbol could possibly carry me through a place of no mind and complete nothingness, not to mention the paradox of keeping the symbol in mind when there is no mind! The void described in the book definitely sounded like a scary and dangerous place, and I had no intention to visit it, nor did I think I was so advanced that it would just happen to me in the near future. Little did I know...
A
few years later my partner and I moved to another country. We both had a
very hard time there. I didn't get around to practising Yoga asanas much as I worked overtime in a stressful job. I did however keep up my mantra
practice and reading of the Vedic scriptures. My partner developed a skin
problem which resisted treatment and as a final resort he was told that a
biopsy had to be taken. As he didn't speak the local language he asked
me to accompany him to the doctor to translate for him and keep him
company.
On the morning of the scheduled procedure I woke up with severe cramps. This was nothing new. I usually have severe pain during my moon flow. And though it made me feel awful I didn't take any medications, I never do. I had no appetite and we were in a hurry so I didn't take breakfast. All I had was a cup of very strong Yogi Tea. (For a while I blamed the Yogi Tea for the experience, but if Yogi Tea could have this effect I reckon a lot of people would try.) To sum it up, on that day I was slightly stressed out and in pain but otherwise in excellent health and I had taken no medication of any sort, in fact I hadn't taken any medication for many years.
On the morning of the scheduled procedure I woke up with severe cramps. This was nothing new. I usually have severe pain during my moon flow. And though it made me feel awful I didn't take any medications, I never do. I had no appetite and we were in a hurry so I didn't take breakfast. All I had was a cup of very strong Yogi Tea. (For a while I blamed the Yogi Tea for the experience, but if Yogi Tea could have this effect I reckon a lot of people would try.) To sum it up, on that day I was slightly stressed out and in pain but otherwise in excellent health and I had taken no medication of any sort, in fact I hadn't taken any medication for many years.
At
the doctor's everything went smoothly at first. As it was the wish of
my partner the doctor allowed me in the room as a translator though she
didn't seem very keen on the idea. The procedure was easy and fast. A
tiny bit of skin was removed. As she held it up with her tweezers it
looked like a tiny bloody pimple. This didn't bother me at all. I don't
get sick from seeing blood and am not squeamish in general. (As a child I
once performed "surgery" on my own foot with a nail scissor to remove a
glass shard!) Holding the tiny tissue sample aloft the doctor turned to
me and said, "don't look or you will get sick!" I felt a really
negative vibe from her and to reject her thought-form I replied promptly,
"no, I won't! I have seen much worse things!"
But it was as if she had put a thought in my head. I wasn't feeling sick but I saw strange bright blue specks of light dancing around in the room. I figured this wasn't good and decided to leave the room. With the words "if I'm not wanted here, then I'll leave!" I got up and walked towards the door. The blue stars were getting bigger and bigger almost blotting out my vision. (Interestingly the blue specks of light were the exact same colour I saw during my self-realisation and later on, when I had the blue pearl experience. I have come to associate this colour with Shiva). I tried to breathe deeply and willed myself to retain control over my body, but just as I stretched out my hand to reach for the door handle, I lost it. I felt it coming, and so with my last bit of control I managed to gently sink down in a squatting position, leaning against the wall on my right. The last thing I heard was my partner shouting my Yoga name "Sakti!" and then I faded from this reality.
But it was as if she had put a thought in my head. I wasn't feeling sick but I saw strange bright blue specks of light dancing around in the room. I figured this wasn't good and decided to leave the room. With the words "if I'm not wanted here, then I'll leave!" I got up and walked towards the door. The blue stars were getting bigger and bigger almost blotting out my vision. (Interestingly the blue specks of light were the exact same colour I saw during my self-realisation and later on, when I had the blue pearl experience. I have come to associate this colour with Shiva). I tried to breathe deeply and willed myself to retain control over my body, but just as I stretched out my hand to reach for the door handle, I lost it. I felt it coming, and so with my last bit of control I managed to gently sink down in a squatting position, leaning against the wall on my right. The last thing I heard was my partner shouting my Yoga name "Sakti!" and then I faded from this reality.
I
found myself in a place of utter darkness devoid of features of any
kind. All the pairs of opposites had ceased to exist. There was no up,
nor down, no inside nor outside. It was a state of utter nothingness.
None of my senses existed in that place. I couldn't hear nor see
anything, and I had no body to act or feel with, and there was nothing
to interact with either. To make it worse, I also didn't know myself
anymore. All my memories and my identity were completely erased. I
wouldn't have known my dearest friends nor my worst enemies.
I didn't even know my own name, whether I was a man or a woman, or indeed a human being or an animal! None of the names and forms that make up our physical reality made any sense to me anymore. There were no names or forms, no concepts of any sort, no words, no language, nor any sound in the void. There was nothing, and yet it wasn’t empty. It is very hard to describe.
And though I had neither body nor mind in that state, I existed! I couldn't think or reason, all verbal language was completely wiped out, nor could I think in pictures. In fact to give you an idea, if I were to compare my mind with a computer, I would say it was as if somebody had wiped the hard disc including the BIOS. That's about the state my mind was in then…
I was pure existence, a tiny spark of consciousness. It was however not an illumined state, but rather an inert state, devoid of any higher knowledge. Later on I had many realisations about that state, but at that time all I could do was experience myself as a tiny speck of consciousness floating in a vast, endless, timeless void, surrounded by darkness and utterly alone. It was terrifying though I couldn't really feel anything, nor worry about what could happen.
I didn't even know my own name, whether I was a man or a woman, or indeed a human being or an animal! None of the names and forms that make up our physical reality made any sense to me anymore. There were no names or forms, no concepts of any sort, no words, no language, nor any sound in the void. There was nothing, and yet it wasn’t empty. It is very hard to describe.
And though I had neither body nor mind in that state, I existed! I couldn't think or reason, all verbal language was completely wiped out, nor could I think in pictures. In fact to give you an idea, if I were to compare my mind with a computer, I would say it was as if somebody had wiped the hard disc including the BIOS. That's about the state my mind was in then…
I was pure existence, a tiny spark of consciousness. It was however not an illumined state, but rather an inert state, devoid of any higher knowledge. Later on I had many realisations about that state, but at that time all I could do was experience myself as a tiny speck of consciousness floating in a vast, endless, timeless void, surrounded by darkness and utterly alone. It was terrifying though I couldn't really feel anything, nor worry about what could happen.
Somewhere
in the deepest recesses of my consciousness I knew - and this knowing
was completely independent of any mental process, thought or sensory
input, for I had neither mind nor senses in the void - somewhere in
there I "knew" that this was wrong and that I couldn't stay “there”
(though there was neither “here” nor “there”). Somehow I sensed a
wrongness and felt an urgency to correct that wrongness, and that's
about the best I can describe it.
The experience was so vast and alien that I was totally overwhelmed by it. It was definitely a state of “no mind” yet there was consciousness. It was totally timeless and yet I felt that I spent an eternity there. Imagine being forced to spend an eternity in a state of nothingness! Some may crave it, but this has never been my idea of the afterlife! The sense of wrongness and urgency intensified until I was filled with utter dread and horror. The desire to end this endless nothingness, fuelled by the horror of the experience built up like steam in a pressure cooker.
The experience was so vast and alien that I was totally overwhelmed by it. It was definitely a state of “no mind” yet there was consciousness. It was totally timeless and yet I felt that I spent an eternity there. Imagine being forced to spend an eternity in a state of nothingness! Some may crave it, but this has never been my idea of the afterlife! The sense of wrongness and urgency intensified until I was filled with utter dread and horror. The desire to end this endless nothingness, fuelled by the horror of the experience built up like steam in a pressure cooker.
Fortunately I had been reciting my mantra
daily ever since my mantra initiation which was about four years prior
to this. I hardly ever left the house without my mala (prayer beads).
Repeating my mantra had long since become a mental habit. So much so,
that the mantra started automatically whenever I was in danger, or
distress, and even in my dreams (I used to have frequent psychic attacks
in my sleep but soon found out that the mantra would keep the attacking
entities at bay). Somehow my mantra had become so ingrained that I remembered it even in my sleep.
And so it was now as well. When the desire to end that horrific state intensified, the mantra suddenly started on its own and filled the void. It seemed to reverberate in the void until there was nothing but the mantra. The remnants of my mind latched on to the mantra and began to frantically repeat it. With each repetition of the mantra I felt myself becoming more solid. With each repetition the world seemed to slowly come back into being.
My eyes, which had been open throughout the experience - even though earlier on I had seen nothing but blackness - now saw a colourful swirling mass in front of me. I couldn't move my head yet nor my eyes. At first my mind couldn't interpret what it was I was seeing. Full mental function hadn't returned yet but the mantra was still going on in my head. And then I recognised the weird pattern in front of me as "floor tiles"! I felt myself being touched and then I heard voices. The voices sounded very concerned as they asked me whether I was okay. Only then did I remember who I was and where I was. What a relief it was to be back in the physical world! I could think again and hear and see! But I couldn't move nor speak at first. "Are you okay?" my partner and the doctor asked several times until I finally managed to weakly say, "I'm okay, but I can't move."
And so it was now as well. When the desire to end that horrific state intensified, the mantra suddenly started on its own and filled the void. It seemed to reverberate in the void until there was nothing but the mantra. The remnants of my mind latched on to the mantra and began to frantically repeat it. With each repetition of the mantra I felt myself becoming more solid. With each repetition the world seemed to slowly come back into being.
My eyes, which had been open throughout the experience - even though earlier on I had seen nothing but blackness - now saw a colourful swirling mass in front of me. I couldn't move my head yet nor my eyes. At first my mind couldn't interpret what it was I was seeing. Full mental function hadn't returned yet but the mantra was still going on in my head. And then I recognised the weird pattern in front of me as "floor tiles"! I felt myself being touched and then I heard voices. The voices sounded very concerned as they asked me whether I was okay. Only then did I remember who I was and where I was. What a relief it was to be back in the physical world! I could think again and hear and see! But I couldn't move nor speak at first. "Are you okay?" my partner and the doctor asked several times until I finally managed to weakly say, "I'm okay, but I can't move."
They
then grabbed me by my arms and legs and carried me out of the room and
into another smaller room. On the way we passed a waiting room where the
other patients stared at me, probably in horror about the awful
treatment I must have had at the hands of the doctor! I found that
immensely embarrassing. I was still totally limp and unable to move. The
doctor put me on a bed and took my blood pressure -- which turned out
to be normal, which astonished the doctor and me. (My blood pressure
usually is on the low side but this has never affected me negatively.)
The doctor thought it must have been the shock of seeing the biopsy that
made me faint. I was in shock, but not from the surgical procedure but
from the experience of the void! However I did not enlighten her on
that.
My partner told me that I was deadly pale which didn’t help to make me feel any better. I felt extremely weak and as if I had been through a terrible ordeal. After I drank some water I felt a bit better. I could move feebly but it took about half an hour until I could get up from the bed. I refused to go to a hospital or see a doctor. All I wanted to do was go home and that’s what we did. But I found no rest even in bed because my mind was constantly going over the experience and I was horrified that it might happen again any time. I couldn't understand why I had fainted. When I was very young I had once fainted from overdoing sauna, but that was different, that time I had been completely unconscious, and when I came to I was slightly weak but nowhere near as debilitated as I was now.
My partner told me that I was deadly pale which didn’t help to make me feel any better. I felt extremely weak and as if I had been through a terrible ordeal. After I drank some water I felt a bit better. I could move feebly but it took about half an hour until I could get up from the bed. I refused to go to a hospital or see a doctor. All I wanted to do was go home and that’s what we did. But I found no rest even in bed because my mind was constantly going over the experience and I was horrified that it might happen again any time. I couldn't understand why I had fainted. When I was very young I had once fainted from overdoing sauna, but that was different, that time I had been completely unconscious, and when I came to I was slightly weak but nowhere near as debilitated as I was now.
My
body recovered surprisingly fast. The next day I was fit enough to go
to work as if nothing had happened. But my mind was extremely
traumatised by the experience. For weeks I thought it was something bad
that had happened to me. I didn't trust my body anymore. When I went
swimming I worried about fainting in the pool and drowning before
somebody noticed it. Whenever I crossed a busy road I thought “what if I
pass out now? I could get run over...”
Deep inside I knew my “fainting” had nothing to do with the biopsy, nor could I blame my health which was as always excellent. So I made up all kinds of theories in my mind. I blamed my period pain and the Yogi Tea, the fact I had left house without breakfast, etc. But I am very used to pain, I had drunk Yogi tea before without ill effects, and had fasted for two weeks while working hard and never fainted from it.
For weeks after the experience I was going over every moment of that day, every aspect of the experience, looking at it from all angles, pulling every minor detail out of my memory. I needed an explanation, because I didn’t want this to happen to me ever again. It was in a way worse than death, because when you die you at least still have your astral body (for a while...), and your identity and memories, and then you go on to wherever you need to go, but not to a state of eternal nothingness, or so I had thought. I found this nothingness much more threatening than the destruction of my physical body.
Deep inside I knew my “fainting” had nothing to do with the biopsy, nor could I blame my health which was as always excellent. So I made up all kinds of theories in my mind. I blamed my period pain and the Yogi Tea, the fact I had left house without breakfast, etc. But I am very used to pain, I had drunk Yogi tea before without ill effects, and had fasted for two weeks while working hard and never fainted from it.
For weeks after the experience I was going over every moment of that day, every aspect of the experience, looking at it from all angles, pulling every minor detail out of my memory. I needed an explanation, because I didn’t want this to happen to me ever again. It was in a way worse than death, because when you die you at least still have your astral body (for a while...), and your identity and memories, and then you go on to wherever you need to go, but not to a state of eternal nothingness, or so I had thought. I found this nothingness much more threatening than the destruction of my physical body.
After
I had exhausted all logical explanations and discarded all my theories
one by one, I finally surrendered to the unknowable. It was then that
understanding came. There was nothing wrong with my health or body. I
was meant to have that experience. Had I not gone to the doctor, I would
have had the experience in some other way. I might have knocked my head
and gone to the void that way. Somehow it would have happened. But that
wasn’t the biggest realisation by far. The big realisation was that
By the grace of Lord Shiva I had been allowed a glimpse beyond the illusion!
I had experienced how it is to have no body, and no mind, and then been allowed to return so I could learn from it! What I had held to be reality had been false. It had been taken away from me within a second, and could be taken away again any time. This realisation put quite a lot of things into perspective and made me even more determined to strive for self-realisation.
By the grace of Lord Shiva I had been allowed a glimpse beyond the illusion!
I had experienced how it is to have no body, and no mind, and then been allowed to return so I could learn from it! What I had held to be reality had been false. It had been taken away from me within a second, and could be taken away again any time. This realisation put quite a lot of things into perspective and made me even more determined to strive for self-realisation.
We
get so attached to our bodies, our identity and personal history,
friends and family and all the objects of material reality. And while we
are caught up in our daily affairs we forget that this material
existence, which is but an illusion, can end any time. Death can take
you or me any time, today, tomorrow, in fifty years. Fact is, we don’t
know how much longer we have! The experience in the void made me
understand what the scriptures say, that this world is an illusion, that
everything is consciousness, and that we must exert and strive for
self-realisation or we waste the precious gift of the human birth.
I knew that I still had a long way to go. I knew I hadn’t reached the Oneness yet, because I hadn’t experienced pure knowledge, nor bliss. The nature of the Self, according to the Vedas is Sat – Chid – Ananda. Sat, means pure existence, without beginning nor end. Chid is perfect knowledge, omniscience. And Ananda is the bliss that results from union with the divine. When you realise your own divine nature you will feel that bliss. It was clear to me that I had experienced a state of pure being (Sat) without the upadhis (limiting adjuncts) of body and mind. But I also knew the void was just a milestone, not a place to get stuck in, nor the ultimate goal on my spiritual journey.
I knew that I still had a long way to go. I knew I hadn’t reached the Oneness yet, because I hadn’t experienced pure knowledge, nor bliss. The nature of the Self, according to the Vedas is Sat – Chid – Ananda. Sat, means pure existence, without beginning nor end. Chid is perfect knowledge, omniscience. And Ananda is the bliss that results from union with the divine. When you realise your own divine nature you will feel that bliss. It was clear to me that I had experienced a state of pure being (Sat) without the upadhis (limiting adjuncts) of body and mind. But I also knew the void was just a milestone, not a place to get stuck in, nor the ultimate goal on my spiritual journey.
Later
I recalled what the book had said about the void, and realised I had
actually managed to traverse this dangerous abyss, the place where many
seekers get stuck and fail! So my mantra had
after all been ingrained enough to carry me out of this state again. It
had done it once, and it could do it again, if need be. That was when
the void lost its terror for me. I also developed greater faith in my
mantra and Lord Shiva as a result of the experience.
I honestly believe had it not been for the mantra I would have been comatose, and no doctor in the world would have been able to bring my soul and my mind back to my body. Once again the mantra had saved me. (The first time the mantra saved me from a car accident, which you can read about in Power of Mantra). Once again, by Lord Shiva’s grace I had been given a great gift, not just the gift of life, but a gift of insight into the nature of reality and existence as well, a peek behind the veil of Maya (illusion) and into the great mystery!
I honestly believe had it not been for the mantra I would have been comatose, and no doctor in the world would have been able to bring my soul and my mind back to my body. Once again the mantra had saved me. (The first time the mantra saved me from a car accident, which you can read about in Power of Mantra). Once again, by Lord Shiva’s grace I had been given a great gift, not just the gift of life, but a gift of insight into the nature of reality and existence as well, a peek behind the veil of Maya (illusion) and into the great mystery!
Copyright © Avalon Sakti Tiamat, 21.08.2008
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