How I Found the Goddess
A Dark Night of the Soul
About
seven years ago, on a dark winter’s night I hit rock bottom. I had to
admit to myself that my marriage had failed. On top of that a streak of
bad luck and misfortune had made me lose almost everybody and everything
I loved and cared for. For years I had kept my pain to myself and tried
to plod on with a smiling face, but now it had become unbearable.
So here I was sitting alone in my living room and taking stock of my life. Recently everything had gone wrong for me, no matter how carefully I planned it and how hard I strove, my best efforts were in vain and all my plans and hopes were dashed to pieces over and over again. It felt like I could never win. Events beyond my control, and jealous, spiteful people constantly sabotaged my efforts and no matter how careful and how friendly I was, I got tripped up. When I looked at this more closely I saw a pattern emerging. And I didn’t like what I saw.
So here I was sitting alone in my living room and taking stock of my life. Recently everything had gone wrong for me, no matter how carefully I planned it and how hard I strove, my best efforts were in vain and all my plans and hopes were dashed to pieces over and over again. It felt like I could never win. Events beyond my control, and jealous, spiteful people constantly sabotaged my efforts and no matter how careful and how friendly I was, I got tripped up. When I looked at this more closely I saw a pattern emerging. And I didn’t like what I saw.
The Victim Complex Revisited
I thought I had long overcome the victim complex of my teenage years, but here it reared its ugly head again!
For many years I had fought very hard to heal the trauma of my childhood, mostly caused by my cruel stepfather who humiliated, harassed and abused me in various ways until I was a total emotional and nervous wreck. I had healed myself – or so I thought - through various things I had done, most outstanding among them Yoga and meditation. I had come a long way. I had developed self-confidence, learned mind control and mastered my emotions -- or so I thought -- and those who knew my story admired me for having survived this childhood and prospered in spite of it. But had I really prospered?
On the surface it seemed I was healed and doing well – on the surface!
Now I realised all the spiritual work I had done so far had not been enough. The problem went too deep!
I had never got rid of the root cause of my problems!
Just to clarify: I didn’t believe I was a victim anymore, nor felt like one, but recently it had been happening to me over and over again! It was following me virtually like my shadow and I couldn’t shake it off! I just couldn’t bear to live like this any longer.
For many years I had fought very hard to heal the trauma of my childhood, mostly caused by my cruel stepfather who humiliated, harassed and abused me in various ways until I was a total emotional and nervous wreck. I had healed myself – or so I thought - through various things I had done, most outstanding among them Yoga and meditation. I had come a long way. I had developed self-confidence, learned mind control and mastered my emotions -- or so I thought -- and those who knew my story admired me for having survived this childhood and prospered in spite of it. But had I really prospered?
On the surface it seemed I was healed and doing well – on the surface!
Now I realised all the spiritual work I had done so far had not been enough. The problem went too deep!
I had never got rid of the root cause of my problems!
Just to clarify: I didn’t believe I was a victim anymore, nor felt like one, but recently it had been happening to me over and over again! It was following me virtually like my shadow and I couldn’t shake it off! I just couldn’t bear to live like this any longer.
Magick to the Rescue
In this dejected state I did what I usually did when life became unbearable.
No, it wasn’t alcohol or drugs, this has never been my way! I needed some magick in my life, so I looked for a fantasy novel! I have always loved reading and could completely lose myself in a magical story. And that’s what I wanted to do now, lose myself, and enter a world where there was magic, because my life sadly lacked the magic and I felt the pain of that lack.
So I sat at my laptop to look for a fantasy novel on magic, and somehow through a few links, I came out on a website about Wicca and real magick!
At first all I could do was stare! These people were talking as if magick really existed. Could it be? Having been brought up in a country where the church has total control and magick had to go underground, I had never known about this.
My heart was beating in total elation. I felt my wildest dream had come true. Suddenly it all made sense, my strange dreams, the flying, astral projection, why I knew things before they happened, why I always felt more empowered in the night, my connection with the moon, the ability to call spirits, my gift of healing, the extreme bond with my cats, and all the other weird things I could do and had kept quiet about. One of the websites featured a humorous article titled “Are you a witch?” There were about twenty statements starting with “You know you are a witch if…” and almost every one of those things applied to me. And though it was meant to be humorous, it was a real eye opener for me. How come I hadn't figured it out much earlier? "Normal" people don’t call spirits, shapeshift and astral project, just to name a few of the odd things I do.
It dawned on me then that I was a witch!
No, it wasn’t alcohol or drugs, this has never been my way! I needed some magick in my life, so I looked for a fantasy novel! I have always loved reading and could completely lose myself in a magical story. And that’s what I wanted to do now, lose myself, and enter a world where there was magic, because my life sadly lacked the magic and I felt the pain of that lack.
So I sat at my laptop to look for a fantasy novel on magic, and somehow through a few links, I came out on a website about Wicca and real magick!
At first all I could do was stare! These people were talking as if magick really existed. Could it be? Having been brought up in a country where the church has total control and magick had to go underground, I had never known about this.
My heart was beating in total elation. I felt my wildest dream had come true. Suddenly it all made sense, my strange dreams, the flying, astral projection, why I knew things before they happened, why I always felt more empowered in the night, my connection with the moon, the ability to call spirits, my gift of healing, the extreme bond with my cats, and all the other weird things I could do and had kept quiet about. One of the websites featured a humorous article titled “Are you a witch?” There were about twenty statements starting with “You know you are a witch if…” and almost every one of those things applied to me. And though it was meant to be humorous, it was a real eye opener for me. How come I hadn't figured it out much earlier? "Normal" people don’t call spirits, shapeshift and astral project, just to name a few of the odd things I do.
It dawned on me then that I was a witch!
The Craft of the Wise
The
term “witch” brought up some issues at first; unfortunately nowadays it
carries a lot of unpleasant associations due to centuries of slander by
main stream religion. But I soon got over this when I began to
understand the true meaning of witch, which is “wise woman” (more about
this topic on the Magick
Page later!). But from the very moment when I accepted that I was a
witch I felt very liberated. At least I could put a name to it, now I
understood why I had felt different all my life, why people reacted to
me the way they did.
As always when I do something, I do it thoroughly. So I began to research. I spent weeks on the Internet reading about Wicca, the Goddess, the elements, basics of magick, etc. There were things I knew already as I had studied them in younger years, such as astrology, runes, Norse and Greek mythology, herbs and the healing arts. But now I wanted to know everything!
I ordered books from abroad so I could study the Craft of the Wise in-depth. And I began to make my own tools (you can see some of the magickal items I made for myself and others on the Tools Gallery Page). Even though nothing in my life had changed, nothing on the outside at least, everything was changed within! I felt extremely happy -- because I had a connection to the Goddess now and because I knew that from now on I could create my own reality, that with the help of magick
I would be the master of my own fate.
As always when I do something, I do it thoroughly. So I began to research. I spent weeks on the Internet reading about Wicca, the Goddess, the elements, basics of magick, etc. There were things I knew already as I had studied them in younger years, such as astrology, runes, Norse and Greek mythology, herbs and the healing arts. But now I wanted to know everything!
I ordered books from abroad so I could study the Craft of the Wise in-depth. And I began to make my own tools (you can see some of the magickal items I made for myself and others on the Tools Gallery Page). Even though nothing in my life had changed, nothing on the outside at least, everything was changed within! I felt extremely happy -- because I had a connection to the Goddess now and because I knew that from now on I could create my own reality, that with the help of magick
I would be the master of my own fate.
Coming Home
And
the magick worked! To my big surprise the very first spell I cast, to
get rid of a debilitating physical condition that was considered
“incurable” worked immediately! That’s when my last doubts fell away and
I applied myself diligently to learning everything about the craft I
could. And it was so much fun! There was such great joy in the magick.
All my life I had felt a deep longing for magick and pain of having lost it. And now I had it back! Everything else in my life took the backseat from then on. I did my work and did it well and with love, but my heart belonged to Goddess and the magick now!
From the very start I felt a great devotion for the Goddess. It was like a coming home. I spent a lot of time in nature, especially in the woods, communing with nature and the Goddess. My dreams became even more colourful and I began to record them meticulously until I saw the patterns emerging and began to understand them better. I felt an incredible urge to grow faster and learn more and began to attend various workshops.
For the first two years of my magickal practice I worked mostly on clearing negativity – and oh there was so much of it in my life – and finally things were getting better. Not the marriage, but I was feeling better, stronger, happier, my life had meaning and purpose. I kept the magick secret, only one or two trusted friends and my (now ex) husband knew about it.
All my life I had felt a deep longing for magick and pain of having lost it. And now I had it back! Everything else in my life took the backseat from then on. I did my work and did it well and with love, but my heart belonged to Goddess and the magick now!
From the very start I felt a great devotion for the Goddess. It was like a coming home. I spent a lot of time in nature, especially in the woods, communing with nature and the Goddess. My dreams became even more colourful and I began to record them meticulously until I saw the patterns emerging and began to understand them better. I felt an incredible urge to grow faster and learn more and began to attend various workshops.
For the first two years of my magickal practice I worked mostly on clearing negativity – and oh there was so much of it in my life – and finally things were getting better. Not the marriage, but I was feeling better, stronger, happier, my life had meaning and purpose. I kept the magick secret, only one or two trusted friends and my (now ex) husband knew about it.
Embracing the Divine Feminine
It
was also very liberating to worship the Divine Feminine. Having had
contact with both Christianity (which I totally rejected) and Hinduism, I
hadn’t seen much of the divine feminine. Now I could become a priestess,
if I diligently worked towards it, now I didn’t have to worry about
approaching the altar when I had my moon flow, surely the Goddess
wouldn’t mind! I began to really change my attitude towards my own
femininity and sexuality.
And my creative gifts blossomed as I worked with the Goddess. I began to make various things. I started crocheting and taught myself from bloody beginner to expert in no time. I sewed my own magickal robes (in school I had been hopeless at knitting and had hated sewing), I did wood work, painting and many other creative endeavours, I even began to play guitar (so far I had thought that musically I was a “hopeless case”, thanks to my music teacher in school)! And I even excelled at the things I learned - but most of all I enjoyed doing them.
And my creative gifts blossomed as I worked with the Goddess. I began to make various things. I started crocheting and taught myself from bloody beginner to expert in no time. I sewed my own magickal robes (in school I had been hopeless at knitting and had hated sewing), I did wood work, painting and many other creative endeavours, I even began to play guitar (so far I had thought that musically I was a “hopeless case”, thanks to my music teacher in school)! And I even excelled at the things I learned - but most of all I enjoyed doing them.
Transformation
That
day when I sat dejected in my living room was the day when my life took
a turn in a completely different direction. That day and the day of my mantra
initiation were the two days that changed my life the most profoundly
(not counting self-realisation, but that came later...). I just couldn’t
imagine living without the Goddess
in my life ever again. I won’t say things were easy after that, just
the opposite, the challenges became bigger (and are even greater now….),
and in the seven years that followed I went through some very rough
times, probably the hardest time in my life. I think I can truly say
that I have gone through the Dark Night of the Soul, was in fact stuck
in it for years -- but still I feel:
The day I found the Goddess was the day when my journey to self-realisation truly began!
The day I found the Goddess was the day when my journey to self-realisation truly began!
Copyright © Avalon Sakti Tiamat, 29.07.2008
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