Forest Death Initiation
Foreword
The following is a story of a shamanic death initiation. It is not called death initiation for nothing, because if it goes wrong, if the initiate does not have the power to pass through it, actual physical death can be the result. Shamanism, contrary to modern New Age belief is not a "safe path". It is in essence a very extreme, dangerous and difficult path -- at least if one takes it serious and really allows the spirits to teach one the true essence of shamanism. The spirit-taught form of shamanism is quite different from what is commonly taught at workshops and in books. It goes far beyond, but also presents the aspirant with far greater challenges.
The following article is offered for those who wish to get a deeper understanding of the challenges a shaman may have to face, and of course for entertainment! :) It is in no way intended as an instruction manual for taking sacred plants -- in this case poisonous power plants -- on one's own or in general. It is not meant for imitation but just for education on the path of the shaman. If you should think of trying any of the below on your own, be aware it could cost you your health or even your life! You will be on your own and I will take no responsibility for any damage occurred from the use or misuse of the presented information, nor for the decisions that you make.
My personal experience with the path of shamanism has been a very deep one. It is my great blessing that I am able to connect with the Otherworld and receive teachings directly from the spirits -- though these teachings were often difficult and involved extreme tests and hardships that few modern people would want to put themselves through. Still, when the Spirit calls, the shaman has to answer! And so it was also that time, when I was called to do a severe initiation, a test, and also a karmic clearing of a great danger that loomed on the horizon for me and that could not be averted in any other way. In my visions, meditations and dreams I had seen three potentially life-threatening events lined up for the coming 12 months. To avert this the spirits invited me to do this initiation and undergo a voluntary triple death experience to pay off that karma before it could manifest itself. So my purpose in doing this death initiation, strange as it may sound, was to avert premature death and actually preserve my life so I could still get some work done here on the earth plane before I move on into the realm of spirit.
Death is a very important topic in shamanism. The fear of death that human beings instinctively have actually hinders one from accessing higher planes and certain Otherworld realms. Therefore the fear of death needs to be overcome and one's attitude to death be transformed. Instead of seeing death as the enemy -- the common viewpoint of our materialistic society -- death, once faced and overcome, can become the shaman's friend and ally, enabling the fearless shaman to traverse the Otherworlds and spirit planes in total freedom and fearlessness. Therefore many shamanistic cultures and ancient traditions had initiation rites that put the initiates through a death experience. Coming to terms with death and freeing oneself of the fear of it, is a must for every serious shaman!
Below is the story of my own shamanic death initiation. It is quite long so you might want to get a cup of tea before you begin reading. At least you won't have to go to the freezing woods in the midst of winter but can enjoy my experience from your armchair with a cup of tea!
Blessings to all spiritual seekers on their journey!
The following article is offered for those who wish to get a deeper understanding of the challenges a shaman may have to face, and of course for entertainment! :) It is in no way intended as an instruction manual for taking sacred plants -- in this case poisonous power plants -- on one's own or in general. It is not meant for imitation but just for education on the path of the shaman. If you should think of trying any of the below on your own, be aware it could cost you your health or even your life! You will be on your own and I will take no responsibility for any damage occurred from the use or misuse of the presented information, nor for the decisions that you make.
My personal experience with the path of shamanism has been a very deep one. It is my great blessing that I am able to connect with the Otherworld and receive teachings directly from the spirits -- though these teachings were often difficult and involved extreme tests and hardships that few modern people would want to put themselves through. Still, when the Spirit calls, the shaman has to answer! And so it was also that time, when I was called to do a severe initiation, a test, and also a karmic clearing of a great danger that loomed on the horizon for me and that could not be averted in any other way. In my visions, meditations and dreams I had seen three potentially life-threatening events lined up for the coming 12 months. To avert this the spirits invited me to do this initiation and undergo a voluntary triple death experience to pay off that karma before it could manifest itself. So my purpose in doing this death initiation, strange as it may sound, was to avert premature death and actually preserve my life so I could still get some work done here on the earth plane before I move on into the realm of spirit.
Death is a very important topic in shamanism. The fear of death that human beings instinctively have actually hinders one from accessing higher planes and certain Otherworld realms. Therefore the fear of death needs to be overcome and one's attitude to death be transformed. Instead of seeing death as the enemy -- the common viewpoint of our materialistic society -- death, once faced and overcome, can become the shaman's friend and ally, enabling the fearless shaman to traverse the Otherworlds and spirit planes in total freedom and fearlessness. Therefore many shamanistic cultures and ancient traditions had initiation rites that put the initiates through a death experience. Coming to terms with death and freeing oneself of the fear of it, is a must for every serious shaman!
Below is the story of my own shamanic death initiation. It is quite long so you might want to get a cup of tea before you begin reading. At least you won't have to go to the freezing woods in the midst of winter but can enjoy my experience from your armchair with a cup of tea!
Blessings to all spiritual seekers on their journey!
Driving to my Death
Here I was driving to the forest for death initiation! The sunset painted the fields in shades of muted orange and blue while my car stereo played Destiny by Parnassus, a song that has to do with dying. I have always liked the song and was singing along happily. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, but it had been my own idea and decision, though a fellow shaman had helped me a lot with setting up the whole ritual, specifically with giving me instructions on the shamanic plants I was to take.
It was the weirdest feeling, going voluntarily to my death. And yet I knew this feeling, it was very similar to what I felt when I went skydiving, a mixture of fear and excitement and a strong sense of purpose. I was driving faster than usual, having left the house later as planned, I now was in a hurry to make it to my chosen spot in the forest before it got dark.
In the back of the car my gear was packed up: the backpack with a straw mat, a blanket, a huge plastic sheet in case it rained, a mortar and pestle, the plants I needed for death initiation: henbane, mandrake and thornapple, my pipe, three lighters (just in case), a bottle of water and a bottle of fruit juice to sustain me through the night, and a bottle of dandelion juice from the health food shop to cleanse the liver after the mandrake, some emergency dextrose in case I would get low blood sugar (I had been fasting for three days), food offerings for Ghede and the nature spirits, including a bottle of rum, tobacco, bread, peanuts, and a cigar, a torch, so I could see the herbs I was preparing, a compass for circle casting, and an extra pair of socks to keep me warm. Besides that, I also had my big heavy down sleeping bag and a rolled up camping mat to carry. When I had left the house I had found it very difficult to lift up the backpack. Having fasted for three days, I was not exactly at the peak of my strength and had wondered how I would carry it, but had decided somehow I would make it. Meanwhile, the stereo played Initiation and Rough Water. I sang along, enjoying the music to the utmost.
It was the weirdest feeling, going voluntarily to my death. And yet I knew this feeling, it was very similar to what I felt when I went skydiving, a mixture of fear and excitement and a strong sense of purpose. I was driving faster than usual, having left the house later as planned, I now was in a hurry to make it to my chosen spot in the forest before it got dark.
In the back of the car my gear was packed up: the backpack with a straw mat, a blanket, a huge plastic sheet in case it rained, a mortar and pestle, the plants I needed for death initiation: henbane, mandrake and thornapple, my pipe, three lighters (just in case), a bottle of water and a bottle of fruit juice to sustain me through the night, and a bottle of dandelion juice from the health food shop to cleanse the liver after the mandrake, some emergency dextrose in case I would get low blood sugar (I had been fasting for three days), food offerings for Ghede and the nature spirits, including a bottle of rum, tobacco, bread, peanuts, and a cigar, a torch, so I could see the herbs I was preparing, a compass for circle casting, and an extra pair of socks to keep me warm. Besides that, I also had my big heavy down sleeping bag and a rolled up camping mat to carry. When I had left the house I had found it very difficult to lift up the backpack. Having fasted for three days, I was not exactly at the peak of my strength and had wondered how I would carry it, but had decided somehow I would make it. Meanwhile, the stereo played Initiation and Rough Water. I sang along, enjoying the music to the utmost.
A Steep and Slippery Path
And here I was. I pulled the car over at the public car park and parked it near the footpath to the forest. ' That's it,' I thought, and got out to gather my gear. "Ready to die!" I said, as I swung the heavy backpack over my back. I grabbed the sleeping bag and camping mat, locked the car and set out. The downhill path was completely covered with ice and so slippery, one could have ice-skated on it. I stuck to the frozen meadow, where walking was a little easier. Fortunately I was wearing my heavy boots, but even with those it was difficult to walk and the heavy load on my back didn't make it any easier. It was a long meadow, maybe 200 meters walk and by the time I had crossed it and stood in front of the forest, I was already feeling warm. From here the frozen path went uphill. I stuck to the edges of the path, carefully choosing each step on the slippery ground. There was not a soul in the forest, and I was glad for that, as I didn't want to be seen or followed.
Obstacle Number 1: Weakness
With all the stuff I was carrying, I felt like Rambo with his combat gear -- the main difference between Rambo and me being that he was strong, and I was pretty weak after three days of fasting. I could hardly make it up the slope. My heart was beating so hard that I thought I might faint any moment. I had to pause for a moment to take a few deep breaths. ' Here comes the first test.' I thought. 'It is still a long walk and I am physically unfit.' But I was determined not to give up. If my body didn't have the strength, willpower would have to make up for it. I gritted my teeth and walked on, at a snail's pace, but I walked. Gradually, my heart felt better and I was able to walk a bit faster. The backpack was very heavy, and so was the sleeping bag. I had to switch the camping mat and the sleeping bag from one hand to the other several times, as my arm was getting tired.
Also I was worried I might get lost, as the paths in this forest were very confusing. When I came to a landmark, a carved eagle on a post, I knew it was the right path and not very far to go now. I tried to walk faster to arrive before dark. It didn't take long and I saw the earth mounds on my left and knew I had arrived at my chosen place which I had scouted out a few days ago. I left the path and walked past the earth mounds to an oak tree with a fallen pine tree next to it. This was the place! I dropped all my heavy gear. I figured I had about 20 minutes left before it would get dark so I started with preparations right away.
Also I was worried I might get lost, as the paths in this forest were very confusing. When I came to a landmark, a carved eagle on a post, I knew it was the right path and not very far to go now. I tried to walk faster to arrive before dark. It didn't take long and I saw the earth mounds on my left and knew I had arrived at my chosen place which I had scouted out a few days ago. I left the path and walked past the earth mounds to an oak tree with a fallen pine tree next to it. This was the place! I dropped all my heavy gear. I figured I had about 20 minutes left before it would get dark so I started with preparations right away.
Preparations
The first part of the ritual was creating sacred space. But the light was fading fast, so I decided to set up my "bed" for the night first. I placed the straw mat on the ground in such a way that the oak tree would be behind my head, the fallen pine tree on my right and some other pine branches on my left. On second thought, I decided to make the barrier on the left side higher too. I walked a few steps and dragged another big branch of a pine tree to stock up the left side and complete the horseshoe arrangement. I felt good with this and continued with the other preparations. The rubber camping mat was placed on top of the straw mat. That way, if the sleeping bag slipped off the rubber mat it wouldn't get wet or muddy. Then I opened the sleeping bag and placed it on top of the rubber mat. I still had one extra blanket, and after a short consideration decided I'd rather lie on it comfortably than place it on top of the sleeping bag, which should be warm enough anyway. The last layer was a plastic sheet, which I had only taken for emergencies in case it rained. It hadn't looked like rain in the morning, but just before I left there had been a slight drizzle.
Obstacle Number 2: Compass Problems
Next I quickly unpacked my ritual supplies. The first thing I needed was the compass to create sacred space. I had chosen a gel filled engineer's compass, which I rarely use, and which doesn't take kindly to being stored upside down. As I took it out of the pocket, I noticed there were two air bubbles in the gel and the needle didn't move freely. It kept on pointing in the same direction no matter how I turned. I sighed, here was obstacle number two! I had no functioning compass, and no idea what the directions were! I was not familiar with this forest and where it was in relation to the place I lived and wrecked my brain to figure out the directions. There was also no sunlight or anything else that could have told me the directions. I closed my eyes for five minutes and thought hard. Finally, I had an idea where East was. By that time the compass started to function better and showed East approximately where I thought it was. I was relieved and started the banishing ritual. Because I still didn't know it by heart completely, I had to look up some parts of it from the printed notes that I had taken with me for backup.
Creating Sacred Space
The time pressure made me a bit nervous. The light was fading very fast. I figured it was only about 10 minutes time before it would get dark. I got stuck once or twice and had to repeat a line or two of the ritual, but completed it and was confident that the place was safe. Next I talked to the nature spirits. I asked for their protection and help, then put some tobacco offerings to all the trees around my sleeping place. The bread offering I placed a little bit further away, because I didn't want to attract any animals too close to me. I took a short moment to connect with the oak tree I was going to sleep under and placed a tobacco offering there too. I felt the tree was friendly.
Now came the crucial part: the actual death ritual. I invoked Ghede, the spirit of death, and offered him rum, a good quantity of peanuts and some bread. In the hurry, I forgot to offer him the cigar I had brought. Then I declared my intent and asked for his help. I said: "Ghede, I have come here today for death initiation. Lead me to my death and beyond, to my true, indestructible and eternal self. Let my old false self with all its identities die, so that my true self can emerge. Lead me through death and let me be reborn fully in my power." The words came out easily and firmly. I was confident that Ghede had heard me. This was it! Tonight, I would experience my death. There was no fear or doubt whatsoever, nor any struggle. It was easy, I realised, all I had to do was surrender to death. I was willing, and I was ready. I made myself the offering to Ghede.
It was twilight now. I quickly took off my boots and covered them with a plastic bag so they wouldn't get wet inside. My jacket I folded and placed under the top of my sleeping bag as extra cushioning. Then I slipped into the sleeping bag with my legs. I made sure that everything I would need was within easy reach. I put my warm cap on and strapped the head torch around it. I was determined not to use the torch, unless I was preparing herbs, which I was going to do right now. In my mind I was very clear about the rules of passing this initiation: stay here until the sun rises in the morning, or consider it failure. Do not use the torch unless for necessary tasks around the preparation of herbs etc. Using it to look around in the woods at night would be failure. Do not run, no matter what. Stay put in place and deal with whatever comes or you fail. I was determined not to fail and to pass this test and initiation, no matter what was thrown at me. It was getting dark very fast. It was time for the first phase of the initiation: taking henbane.
Now came the crucial part: the actual death ritual. I invoked Ghede, the spirit of death, and offered him rum, a good quantity of peanuts and some bread. In the hurry, I forgot to offer him the cigar I had brought. Then I declared my intent and asked for his help. I said: "Ghede, I have come here today for death initiation. Lead me to my death and beyond, to my true, indestructible and eternal self. Let my old false self with all its identities die, so that my true self can emerge. Lead me through death and let me be reborn fully in my power." The words came out easily and firmly. I was confident that Ghede had heard me. This was it! Tonight, I would experience my death. There was no fear or doubt whatsoever, nor any struggle. It was easy, I realised, all I had to do was surrender to death. I was willing, and I was ready. I made myself the offering to Ghede.
It was twilight now. I quickly took off my boots and covered them with a plastic bag so they wouldn't get wet inside. My jacket I folded and placed under the top of my sleeping bag as extra cushioning. Then I slipped into the sleeping bag with my legs. I made sure that everything I would need was within easy reach. I put my warm cap on and strapped the head torch around it. I was determined not to use the torch, unless I was preparing herbs, which I was going to do right now. In my mind I was very clear about the rules of passing this initiation: stay here until the sun rises in the morning, or consider it failure. Do not use the torch unless for necessary tasks around the preparation of herbs etc. Using it to look around in the woods at night would be failure. Do not run, no matter what. Stay put in place and deal with whatever comes or you fail. I was determined not to fail and to pass this test and initiation, no matter what was thrown at me. It was getting dark very fast. It was time for the first phase of the initiation: taking henbane.
Henbane
I had been told henbane would take me to my death and beyond. I was also perfectly aware that the plant was poisonous. The original instructions were to take six of the tiny seeds only. I had taken two the previous night as a test run and it had been okay. I figured I could take more than six, and I felt I would need more to access death, so I had decided to take all of the tiny seeds, about 30 to 40, I estimated. With the help of my torch I carefully poured all the seeds from the plastic bag into the mortar. When I started counting them, I realised there were over 50, maybe 60 or 70 even. I gave up counting and decided to take them all anyway. I ground them up very carefully, and then added some water and ground them some more. I prayed over the liquid to take me to my death and beyond, then drank it down in one go. It tasted quite pleasantly. Two more times I filled the mortar with water again, stirred it and drank it down. After checking carefully that I had really imbibed all the seeds I lay down, closed my eyes and relaxed.
Surrendering
I reminded myself I had come here to die. So I gave up all worries about surviving and all thoughts of the future. I shortly thought of my cats, whom I wanted to see again, then I put that thought aside also. As in a dream I once had, I made myself the offering on the altar and totally surrendered. I was calm and focused and kept on praying to Ghede and to the spirit of henbane, to take me to my death and beyond, to let my old false self with all its identities die, to let me be reborn.
Suddenly, I had a strange feeling on my yoni. It wasn't quite arousal, but it felt as if something touched me there, some kind of pressure. I remembered that the shamanism book had mentioned the effects of henbane as being very similar to the effects of dying: sexual excitation being one of them. I just relaxed and the feeling passed away quickly. Soon I started seeing pictures. Was I getting tired and about to fall asleep, I wondered. It was far too early to be feeling sleepy. Then I realised it wasn't fatigue, I was having visions! I couldn't make sense of them, because all I got was short glimpses of random scenes and images, which faded so quickly my mind couldn't grasp them. I also had a strange burning sensation in my heart, which was gradually getting stronger. Besides that, nothing much happened, and after about 15 minutes I decided to take the mandrake.
Suddenly, I had a strange feeling on my yoni. It wasn't quite arousal, but it felt as if something touched me there, some kind of pressure. I remembered that the shamanism book had mentioned the effects of henbane as being very similar to the effects of dying: sexual excitation being one of them. I just relaxed and the feeling passed away quickly. Soon I started seeing pictures. Was I getting tired and about to fall asleep, I wondered. It was far too early to be feeling sleepy. Then I realised it wasn't fatigue, I was having visions! I couldn't make sense of them, because all I got was short glimpses of random scenes and images, which faded so quickly my mind couldn't grasp them. I also had a strange burning sensation in my heart, which was gradually getting stronger. Besides that, nothing much happened, and after about 15 minutes I decided to take the mandrake.
Mandrake
The decoction of mandrake was in my thermal flask, in a side pocket of the backpack. I could easily find it in the dark, but needed the torch to safely pour it into the small cup without spilling. The liquid was quite dark. It was the strongest mandrake I had ever prepared, following my shaman friend's instruction of cooking it three times for 1 1/2 hours. I prayed to the spirit of mandrake to take me deeper into my true, indestructible, eternal self, then I drank the first cup. It tasted absolutely horrible, almost as bad as Ayahuasca, but there was a very good familiar feeling as the plant entered my body. I drank the other two cups down quickly too and rinsed with some water before I lay down again. It was totally dark by now, though there was some moonlight. The bushes were rustling and it was a bit scary, but I didn't let my fantasy run away with me. I strapped the torch around my arm, so I wouldn't lose it in the dark, then pulled my cap down over my eyes for better visions.
Buried Alive and Stabbed to Death
And visions came. First I saw myself realistically as if from above, lying in my sleeping bag, surrounded by fallen autumn leaves. Suddenly the ground opened up beneath me and swallowed me, then the earth closed above me. I was buried! But I had no fear, in fact, I liked the embrace of the earth. I continued praying all the time. I did this to intensify the process and keep my intentions clear, not out of fear. My heart was burning very strongly now. I had a few random images of various demons, then things really took off. I saw myself being stabbed and killed over and over again. I was stabbed by knives and swords, always in the torso, and mostly in my heart, which was on fire by now. Sometimes I saw myself lifting my arms to fend off the blow. But it was in vain, my arms were cut and blood was dripping from them, but in the end the dagger still went into my heart and killed me. I wasn't frightened, I just observed as I was being stabbed to death over and over again. This went on for maybe half an hour and then I suddenly passed out.
When I came to again, things were different. My first problem was discomfort and fear. I felt I had to empty my bladder, but was too scared to get out of the apparent safety of my sleeping bag and walk around in almost total darkness between the trees. I could fully understand why some people in this situation would choose to pee in the sleeping bag. But that was not an option for me. Finally, I pulled myself together and got up, put my boots on and walked a few metres away to pee behind a tree. I didn't use the torch, I would have considered that cheating. Having relieved myself, I felt a lot better. When I crawled back to the sleeping bag, I got a tiny twig in my eye. There was a young tree right next to my sleeping bag, which had a few tiny low branches. I apologised to the tree and broke those twigs off for safety. Then I cocooned myself in the sleeping bag again, ready for more visions.
When I came to again, things were different. My first problem was discomfort and fear. I felt I had to empty my bladder, but was too scared to get out of the apparent safety of my sleeping bag and walk around in almost total darkness between the trees. I could fully understand why some people in this situation would choose to pee in the sleeping bag. But that was not an option for me. Finally, I pulled myself together and got up, put my boots on and walked a few metres away to pee behind a tree. I didn't use the torch, I would have considered that cheating. Having relieved myself, I felt a lot better. When I crawled back to the sleeping bag, I got a tiny twig in my eye. There was a young tree right next to my sleeping bag, which had a few tiny low branches. I apologised to the tree and broke those twigs off for safety. Then I cocooned myself in the sleeping bag again, ready for more visions.
Fear
Initially, I had visions of various demons again. The burning feeling in my heart was still there and still very strong. Then the stabbing continued. As before, I saw myself being stabbed with swords and knives into the chest and into my heart over and over again. Still, I was thinking this whole death thing was not too bad, I had expected much worse. I wondered whether I was doing everything correctly, then I stopped analysing and just went with it. Once I heard steps coming close to me, and became really frightened. Eventually I sat up in my sleeping bag and looked around me. I couldn't see anything, but I was really scared. All kind of scenarios were going through my head. But I knew whatever happened I must not leave this place until the next morning. My heart was beating so fast that I feared I would get a heart attack. I thought that was crazy, I might actually kill myself by scaring myself to death! I started to mentally recite the litany against fear (from "Dune"): "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death, that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, I will permit it to pass over and through me. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing, only I will remain!" It helped. Within a short time my heartbeat slowed down and I felt safe enough to lie down again.
Death Wish
I pulled the cap over my eyes again. I told myself I didn't care what was going to happen to me, I was dead anyway! My body became so relaxed and heavy that I hardly felt it at all. In fact, I was going totally numb. I let myself sink into the numbness and the inertia. "That's what it is like to die," I thought. It was actually quite nice. And then the death wish came up again. I longed for death, I wanted to die. I was glad I hadn't taken my athame or any knife with me so I wasn't tempted to act on it. (I actually had a tiny pocket knife on me but didn't remember that at this moment). I don't think I would have acted on it anyway, as the death wish was not as strong as other times, but it was with me for a long time. I remembered what I had been told about the death wish, that one needs to feel it without acting on it in order to get rid of it. So I just allowed myself to feel it. I lay like this, with the burning feeling in my heart, and the death wish for a long, long time. It seemed hours were passing, and still I felt the death wish. Suddenly I had an image of my bathroom tiles. That seemed a strange vision, and for a moment, it didn't make any sense. But then I understood: after we had moved into our house, my (ex) partner and I had often quarrelled violently. Many times I had been very hurt, so hurt that I thought my heart would break, and often these quarrels had ended with me locking myself in the bathroom. There I had sat on the cold floor for hours, feeling suicidal. I had had the death wish before at other times in my life, but it was only during this time with him that it became so extreme. He had hurt me more than anybody else because I had loved him while he treated me emotionally cruel and cold.
Hating the Tyrant
A bit later the theme changed. I became aware of all the damage that had been done to me by other people. The main culprit being my stepfather, the terror and tyrant of my childhood and teen years. I wasn't just remembering the things he had done to me, for these old stories didn't hurt me anymore. But now I became aware how the things he had done to me had changed me, how they had messed me up, led me down the paths of sorrow and pain that I had been travelling ever since. He had damaged me, and that damage was still with me after so many years. And for that I hated him. Normally I can never muster much hatred for anybody, not even my stepfather, not even when I think of all the evil and cruel things he has done. I always just think of him as a pathetic figure. But now I really hated him, and I let this hatred loose without restraints. In my fantasy I did kill him over and over again, in various ways. I really wanted to kill him, and I wished I could just go and do it. But I also knew that would be a crime. So I prayed to Ghede instead to take my stepfather, to make him die. That gave me some satisfaction though it didn't really make me feel better.
Vision of the Indestructible Me
Eventually these visions and feelings passed away and I entered a state of calmth for a while where nothing seemed to happen. Then all of a sudden a euphoric feeling came over me. And all the things I had struggled with seemed petty and meaningless suddenly. I saw myself, my true self, as a radiant shining being of light, non-physical, beyond the body of flesh and blood. I knew myself to be eternal and indestructibly no matter what happened to my body of flesh and bones. It didn't matter because my true self was eternal, imperishable and beautiful beyond measure. The experience was so blissful it flooded my whole being with nectar. Now I knew what it was like to know one's indestructible self. And this knowledge gave me great strength and courage. There was nothing that anybody could do to me to ever take that away. I cherished the experience and tried to anchor the memory of it in my being forever so I would never lose it again. And as I did so the gods or the spirits, or the higher beings, reached out to me and gave me a large diamond. It was fist-sized and beautifully facetted. I understood this to be my true, indestructible self, and the full knowledge of it. They planted it in my heart chakra. I felt it sinking in and was filled with gratitude and bliss so strong it drove tears to my eyes. I silently gave thanks and went into a deep relaxed state with really deep breathing like ocean waves rolling over me.
Vision of the Goddess
And then things got even better. Out of the blue I received a vision of the Goddess. She appeared before me in my vision, as a beautiful woman, beautiful beyond measure. She was shining with energy. And she was stark naked, but that did in no way diminuish the feeling of holiness that radiated from her. Her only adornment, the only thing she wore, were long necklaces of shining jewels that rested upon her full breasts and studded them with brilliant stars of light, like the star-studded sky on a clear night. She smiled at me and reached out to me with her arms in a gesture of welcome and blessing. And I felt so blessed indeed that she would grace me with her appearance. I felt the love of the Goddess for me, and that love was very healing for one who had not received much love all her life time. No words were spoken, they would have only been a distraction. The very presence of the Goddess was all that was needed to fill my heart with love, ecstasy and devotion. I felt truly blessed. This death initiation was getting much better than I had thought it could be. I never expected such blessings and joy. I had prepared myself to endure pain, suffering and horror and so these beautiful visions and gifts came totally unexpected and I filled me with great wonder and gratitude.
Of Werewolves and Fear
Then things were quiet for quite a long while. I thought the henbane and mandrake might have run their course. The instructions were to smoke the thornapple seeds after about 2-3 hours. I figured this much time had passed by now and as it was very quiet and nothing seemed to happen, I guessed it was time for the boost of thornapple. This was what I had been fearing the most. As I had never taken henbane or thornapple before I had done some research on Erowid. There had been a scary story of two friends taking thornapple when camping in the woods and one saw the other turn into a werewolf and ran through the woods ending up badly scratched and torn by branches in his flight of panic. Even scarier, as it turned out later, his friend confirmed his vision and said he had felt himself turning into a werewolf. The werewolf theme freaked me out more than anything else. But I told myself, whatever happens, werewolves or fiends from hell, it is a vision. It is not real and you will stay put and not run, no matter what! I hoped I would be of clear enough mind to remember that intention because running around in the dark woods at night is very dangerous, and I sure did not want to end up running into branches with my eyes or breaking a leg. Once again I fixed my intention on staying and enduring no matter what. Even though I was terrified of what might happen when I smoked this plant I was also determined not to fail. I took a deep breath and got ready. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was a dangerous plant that many people had not been able to handle even in perfect protected settings. And here I was about to take this power plant alone without a sitter, far from any help, out here in the woods at night and all by myself. It sure was a scary situation. I told myself I would just have to trust in Spirit and myself and get through it solely by my own power.
Thornapple
And I told myself that I had started the process of the death initiation, had taken the first two of the three required plants and things had been going well so far. Now it was time for the ultimate test. Just one more step to go, I told myself as I sat up in my sleeping bag. I am already dead, so what am I afraid of? I reasoned with myself and that helped. Even if there was a werewolf and it did come for me what could it do? Kill me of course, and gory as it might be, in the end it was just plain old death -- and death I was not afraid of. In fact, death was what I was here for! So I felt for the backpack in the dark and began to rummage around in it for my pipe, the lighter and the package with the thornapple seeds. It was all packed so well that I had no problems finding everything I needed in the dark. But then I finally did have to use the head torch to fill the pipe as I needed to count out the seeds and not spill them on the earth in the dark. Switching on the torch was somehow more scary than just staying in the dark. Because whoever or whatever was out there, would see me now. And in the light of the torch the trees cast strange shadows that shifted and moved in scary ways. I ignored that and focused on the herb preparation. I had a bit of mugwort which was to be the base as thornapple seeds by themselves are hard to light. This I filled into the base of the pipe. My mind was going along scary pathways: I had heard a story of a man who went insane for a whole year after smoking only 3 of those seeds. But I was going to smoke 7, the number of initiation. How crazy was that? I filled the seeds in my pipe on top of the mugwort. I prayed over the herbs shortly, as before, to take me to my death and beyond, to the indestructible self and bring me out on the other side, fully transformed and in my power.
Thornapple is for transcending limitations and so I prayed for that as well, to transcend all my limitations and any disempowering and limiting beliefs. I lit the pipe, determined but with some trepidation due to what I had heard of this plant. It was also a poison -- some say a deadly poison -- but that bothered me less than the frightening prospect of werewolf visions. The moment I inhaled the first breath everything changed. I knew this plant! I knew this spirit! It moved into my body so smoothly like a hand in a glove. Like liquid green it rolled over my tongue. Like an old friend it came to me, greeting me, entering my body with a strange familiarity. I welcomed it joyfully. All my worries from just a moment ago evaporated. The smoke felt so good even though it tasted acrid and bitter! I drew long puffs and held the smoke in my lungs as long as could. I had loaded the pipe with 3 seeds first. When they had finished glowing and their embers died I added more, until I had smoked the required 7 seeds with three bowls of mugwort. I stored everything away safely and lay down again, ready for the next part of the journey.
Thornapple is for transcending limitations and so I prayed for that as well, to transcend all my limitations and any disempowering and limiting beliefs. I lit the pipe, determined but with some trepidation due to what I had heard of this plant. It was also a poison -- some say a deadly poison -- but that bothered me less than the frightening prospect of werewolf visions. The moment I inhaled the first breath everything changed. I knew this plant! I knew this spirit! It moved into my body so smoothly like a hand in a glove. Like liquid green it rolled over my tongue. Like an old friend it came to me, greeting me, entering my body with a strange familiarity. I welcomed it joyfully. All my worries from just a moment ago evaporated. The smoke felt so good even though it tasted acrid and bitter! I drew long puffs and held the smoke in my lungs as long as could. I had loaded the pipe with 3 seeds first. When they had finished glowing and their embers died I added more, until I had smoked the required 7 seeds with three bowls of mugwort. I stored everything away safely and lay down again, ready for the next part of the journey.
Black Magicians
With closed eyes I waited for visions. At first none came and I began to wonder whether the thornapple would just have no effect on me at all. But then the visions began. First I felt and then I saw some very powerful black magicians. They were serving the forces of darkness and they hated me with a vengeance! I had the definite feeling that they knew me, maybe from a past life and that I had been their opponent before. They were aware of my seeing them and of my light and they wanted to destroy me. I observed them without any fear. Their energy was repugnant to me yet I tried to stay neutral and observe only. But when they became fully aware of me, they raised their heads and looked straight at me. I had the definite feeling that the dark forces were aware of my power, more so than I myself maybe! Then they attacked me by sending energy blasts at me and throwing lighting bolts aimed at me from their outstretched hands. I mentally pulled up a shield, as my warrior guide, had taught me, which made all their energy bolts and blasts bounce off harmlessly like rain from a roof. No matter how viciously they attacked me, no matter what they threw at me, they could not get at me. I felt their frustration and anger but it did not touch me. I was unharmed and untouched, untouchable and beyond their reach. They exhausted themselves in their futile fury then the vision passed away.
Dark Robes
Silence and darkness enveloped me once again. Occasionally a branch cracked and the wind rustled the trees. But the forest began to feel familiar to me and I could relax well in this environment. There is really nothing to be afraid of, I told myself. But that thought should soon be challenged. First I felt myself being watched. Then I saw in my vision with closed eyes, dark hooded figures standing around my resting place and watching me. They were wearing black robes with hoods and their faces were concealed. I couldn't see their features at all but I sensed they were not human. They were wraiths. In fact they looked somewhat like the ring wraiths in the Lord of the Rings movie. The feeling of their presence became so strong that eventually, almost against my volition, I opened my eyes to gaze into the darkness. There, on the right side of me, by the tree, I saw one of them standing in physical reality. What was real and what was a dream? What were these beings doing here? My first assumption had been that they were black magicians, sorcerers like the ones I had seen earlier on. But they were different. There was no malice radiating from them. Nevertheless they were damn scary. Seeing dark hooded figures at night is enough to freak most people out, not to mention when you are completely alone in the dark woods, which intensifies it vastly. Now I felt I was really being tested for my mettle. Were they spirits, evil spirits? What did they want from me? Christian programming told me that they were out to get my soul. I rejected that thought as nonsense and repeated my mantra to calm myself. It worked. I began to feel more at ease in the presence of these beings. It appeared to me now that they wished me no harm. They were there to observe not to harm. Nevertheless it was a strange feeling having them around, and their aura and energy felt dark and scary, which probably was just in their nature. But I was determined to pass this test, no matter what, even if dancing skeletons should appear in the woods, I would stick it out! The dark robed figures stayed for about half an hour or so, then they faded away. I breathed a breath of relief. I had passed this test! What else would be happening in this night? I figured I had made it about half way through the night. A lot could still happen but I was getting more assured of my own strength now, feeling more capable of handling challenges than before.
Numbness and Zombies
Next my body became very heavy and lethargic. A strange numbness filled me from head to toe. I could not have moved a finger as a death like paralysis and numbness spread through my entire body and even seemed to affect my mind, making it dull and slow. Repulsive visions of zombies appeared before my inner eye. Zombies always freaked me out the most, together with werewolves but I found the zombies worse as they are just so disgusting. In spite of my revulsion I tried to watch the visions with a neutral feeling. It couldn't hurt me, but it was ugly and nasty. I wondered why I was being shown these zombies. And why I felt so numb. I had to think of the fact that X. intended to take our group to Haiti for voodoo initiation. And part of the initiation was the initiators making a cut at the back of the head of the initiates, and rubbing certain herbs in to zombify the initiates, who would be mindless slaves for a day doing exactly as they were told. I had said from the very beginning I would never do such an "initiation" as I would never subject myself to the will of another, nor be a slave. Pride and dignity forbade it. Some of the others thought I was chickening out but I knew better. I had my own initiations, and they were hard core, like the nettle initiation, like this death initiation. They were given to me by the spirits whom I trusted, and I followed my heart and my calling facing whatever challenges bravely. But never ever would I be another's slave or submit myself to another's whim. I would not bow down to anybody and I would be no man's slave. Should the others try to convince me again to come along for the voodoo initiation, I would tell them what I told them before: "I will not go!" But this time I would not feel ashamed. I knew my own worth, thanks to this experience I understood now. I would never be a mindless zombie under the control of another. I would be in my power and keep my power! As I made this determination, the numbness faded.
Let me Rest in Peace
But the undead theme was not yet over, only it took on a more amusing face now. I could not get the song that Spike sang in Buffy out of my head. He was singing "Let me rest in peace!" and basically told Buffy to leave him alone to at least enjoy the peace of the dead / or the undead in his crypt. Well, I was lying in my grave too and I wanted to be left in peace by black magicians and hooded figures. Still, I liked that song and it was going around in my head over and over again. While I heard that song over and over in my mind a macabre ballet took place: a whole bunch of skeletons and skulls were dancing around to the music. I didn't know whether to laugh about it or feel disgusted but in the end the amusement won. This whole death thing was not too bad at all, I thought to myself. For about 20 minutes or so the singing and dancing went on, then it got quiet. I told myself not to fall asleep as I thought it was important to keep an all night wake and experience the visions, rather than go in a dull state of tamas and wake up the next morning without having faced any challenges. And challenges I was about to experience, more than I was ready for...
The Sniffing
I had thought I was getting used to the forest at night but this all changed when I heard a strange sound. It was a definite sniffing sound, like a dog sniffing around on the ground. It came from my right, hard to judge distance in the dark but it sounded like about 8 meters away towards the right in the direction my feet were pointing. It was sniffing loudly. Sniff, sniff, sniff. I froze in my sleeping bag and held my breath. Had I imagined this? The sounds of the forest were amplified partially because I could not see, partially because of the plants I had taken. There it was again, a definite sniffing sound, coming closer now, sounding only 4 meters away towards my right approximately on level with my waist. I was terrified. My heart beat so fast it felt as if it was going to jump out of my chest. All the awful werewolf movies I had ever seen were coming back now, scaring me even more. I told myself werewolves don't exist, but a little voice in my mind said: 'can you be so sure of that?' Besides, sometimes real wolves from Czechoslovakia or from a zoo had escaped into European woods. What if there were wolves around? And what was I going to do, even if it was so? There was no point in running, besides, I had to stay put here until the morning. I told myself I was not going to move or give in to fear, but when the sniffing sound came the third time, this time only about 2 meters away from me on my right, coming towards my head area, I could no longer stay immobile. I sat up sharply in my sleeping bag and opened my eyes wide to see whatever could be seen in the dark. I did not use the torch, I felt that would make things worse, besides, it would have meant I failed. My heart was racing and I felt the most extreme fear that I can recall ever feeling in my life.
I reached for my small knife, just in case, though it would not be much use against a large predator. But it made me feel better having it. The fear was so bad it made me nauseous and I felt weak. I had to get this fear under control. I began to breathe deeply but quietly, still listening into the night for sounds of approaching danger. The desire to take the torch and check it out, or to bolt and run was overwhelming, but I forced myself to sit completely still and slow my breath. It was quiet now, no more sniffing. I sat silently in the darkness for a while, battling my fear which was skyrocketing. I repeated the litany against fear four or five times and it really helped. Finally I had calmed myself down to a more acceptable level. At this point I was annoyed with myself for having been so frightened. I told myself I would not budge now, werewolves, real wolves or whatever. I would stay in my sleeping bag and not move. I lay down resolutely, covered myself as before, pulled my cap over my eyes and wrapped myself in the sleeping bag and its hood as in a cocoon. I would see no werewolf, hear no werewolf and if it stood right before me, I would still not run, I told myself with steely determination. I suspected the sniffing was a trick of the spirits to scare me out of my wits so I bolted and ran, failing the initiation. It would not succeed, I would stick it out until the sun rose. And boy did I hope that would be soon, but sunrise was still hours away, as the darkness was complete.
I reached for my small knife, just in case, though it would not be much use against a large predator. But it made me feel better having it. The fear was so bad it made me nauseous and I felt weak. I had to get this fear under control. I began to breathe deeply but quietly, still listening into the night for sounds of approaching danger. The desire to take the torch and check it out, or to bolt and run was overwhelming, but I forced myself to sit completely still and slow my breath. It was quiet now, no more sniffing. I sat silently in the darkness for a while, battling my fear which was skyrocketing. I repeated the litany against fear four or five times and it really helped. Finally I had calmed myself down to a more acceptable level. At this point I was annoyed with myself for having been so frightened. I told myself I would not budge now, werewolves, real wolves or whatever. I would stay in my sleeping bag and not move. I lay down resolutely, covered myself as before, pulled my cap over my eyes and wrapped myself in the sleeping bag and its hood as in a cocoon. I would see no werewolf, hear no werewolf and if it stood right before me, I would still not run, I told myself with steely determination. I suspected the sniffing was a trick of the spirits to scare me out of my wits so I bolted and ran, failing the initiation. It would not succeed, I would stick it out until the sun rose. And boy did I hope that would be soon, but sunrise was still hours away, as the darkness was complete.
Wild Pigs
All was quiet for some time. Maybe for an hour or so nothing much happened. I had a headache but other than that nothing seemed to be going on. But since the sniffing I had been more alert to the forest sounds. I went into a deep and meditative state and relaxed really well when I heard a sound from my left, this time. It sounded like footsteps. What was going on in that forest at night? I wondered. Then the steps came again. And it sounded as if something heavy was being dragged through the bushes. There was a low grunt, this really freaked me out. What could it possibly be? This time there seemed to be several somethings that were moving around and making noise. And then it dawned on me: a herd of wild pigs! Now this almost topped the werewolf. For one, wild pigs were real and they are very dangerous, especially if they have young, but they are not to be trifled with in any season. Secondly, I had never gone well with the members of the pig family. And there had been an incident where my first boyfriend got me into an area with wild pigs after he told me he was not afraid of them, then ran like hell after pushing the sweetcorn in my hand, which made all the pigs, including piglets come for me, crowding me in while the coward watched in safety from behind the gate and wire fence. I listened to the sounds coming closer, until they were only three meters away from me. Climbing a tree was the only way to escape from them but I didn't think I could go up one fast enough in the dark, nor stay up in the freezing cold and without anything to tie myself to the tree. Besides, it was coming back to the question of not leaving the place and the initiation behind. Scared as I was, this time I used my mind. I tried to mentally influence the pigs to change their course, go in another direction. I sent the strongest telepathic impulses I could muster, and it must have worked or some higher force helped me because the wild pigs or whatever veered off from their course towards me and turned to the right, away from me. I heard the sounds fading away in the distance and was glad. I would have let out a sigh of relief but I figured my best defence here was to remain invisible and unheard.
Buried Alive Again!
I wondered whether Ghede would still take me or whether I had already passed through the death part earlier on. Then it began to snow, really heavy too. Fortunately I had brought the plastic sheet along and had laid it over my sleeping bag and mats. Cold snowflakes hit my face. So I pulled the plastic sheet up all the way over my face, leaving only a side opening for air. It sounded like shovels of earth were thrown onto my coffin! It truly was like I was being buried alive. I could even feel the weight of the snow building up over me, pressing down. This was certainly the strangest experience I had ever had. Multiple stabbings, dancing skeletons, black magicians and hooded figures, sniffing creatures, wild pigs and being buried alive -- all in one night! What's it going to be next, I thought a bit sarcastically. But I figured the snow would give me some protection, hide me, keep me warmer and cover up scents. I welcomed it. And so I lay silently in my grave listening to the sound of the falling snow. I figured large sheets of sleet must be slipping off the trees and falling on top of me, the way it sounded and felt. But I was going to stay, no matter what. At least I was cozy warm. My choice of clothing and gear had been excellent, I commended myself.
As I relaxed in my cocoon and my "burial chamber" I started to feel strange effects on my energy body. For one, I had a weird sensation in my solar plexus. It felt hollow there, completely empty. I observed these feelings without judgement. A bit later I felt electricity at the base chakra making its way up of the spine. The headache intensified and then I felt a really strong pressure on my eyes. Some of these sensations were unpleasant, but I relaxed into them. This was easy compared to what I had gone through earlier on. I felt as if my energy body was being rearranged or maybe improved upon. Was Kundalini getting active? I really hoped so! This went on for some time. Meanwhile I was getting tired. It was so warm and cozy in my cocoon and I felt safe and relaxed in spite of everything else that had happened. I felt I was going to make it to the morning, no problem. I was going into dreamlike states and deep trance states and pulled myself out of them several times. But eventually sleep overpowered me.
As I relaxed in my cocoon and my "burial chamber" I started to feel strange effects on my energy body. For one, I had a weird sensation in my solar plexus. It felt hollow there, completely empty. I observed these feelings without judgement. A bit later I felt electricity at the base chakra making its way up of the spine. The headache intensified and then I felt a really strong pressure on my eyes. Some of these sensations were unpleasant, but I relaxed into them. This was easy compared to what I had gone through earlier on. I felt as if my energy body was being rearranged or maybe improved upon. Was Kundalini getting active? I really hoped so! This went on for some time. Meanwhile I was getting tired. It was so warm and cozy in my cocoon and I felt safe and relaxed in spite of everything else that had happened. I felt I was going to make it to the morning, no problem. I was going into dreamlike states and deep trance states and pulled myself out of them several times. But eventually sleep overpowered me.
Triumph
Birds were singing cheerfully. I came back as from far away and opened my eyes. I saw light through the covers of my sleeping bag and the plastic sheet. It was morning! I had made it! I stretched and carefully lifted the plastic sheet, wiggling out of my sleeping bag enough to sit up. The air was cold and crisp but the sun was shining. It was a glorious morning. Everything was covered with snow. It lay at least 4 inches on my sleeping bag. Had I not taken the sheet I would have spent a wet and miserable night. Good planning, I told myself. Wow, when I looked around I could hardly believe I had spent a night in this cold weather in the forest, while fasting. I sipped some lemon with honey from my thermos flask, it was still lukewarm. Then I got out of the sleeping bag completely and put on my boots. Packing up was no mean feat either in these conditions. But I was euphoric because I knew I had passed. I began to wrap up the sleeping bag and the mat and stuffed things back in the large backpack. It would be a chore to carry it back to the car, but after all the other things I had to endure, a walk in the park, almost! As I packed up I saw my cell phone which I had taken with me for absolute emergency only. I switched it back on and within a few minutes I received a call from R. who also studied shamanism. He congratulated me for making it, said he had been worried about me. "How much harder than that can it get?" he asked then answered his own question with "It can't get any harder than that, Sakti! Are you feeling alright?" "Yes, I am feeling very good, quite fresh actually, just a bit weird in the stomach," I answered. "I am going to drink some dandelion juice now," I told him. And that's what I did. I took out the press-extracted dandelion juice from the health food shop to cleanse me of the mandrake toxins and drank a cup of it. I felt stronger. I finished packing up all my gear, and with one last look at the place of my death initiation, shouldered the backpack and left.
Surprisingly I felt stronger than last night when I had walked here. Still the backpack was very heavy and the camping mat under one arm and the sleeping bag dangling from the other hand was not a good way of walking for a longer distance. I got hopelessly lost at one point and didn't remember how to get out of the woods. It was the strangest wood I have ever been to, with all the little side paths, like a maze. Once again the totem posts showed me the way and finally I emerged on the frozen meadow. I could see my car in the distance on the public car park. Relieved to still see it there, I hastened back. All the while my heart was singing. I made it! I made it! I could hardly believe I had pulled this off by myself and passed through all these trials and tribulations by myself, without giving up or cheating. I must say I was really proud of myself. But most importantly, I felt sure that the negative karma of early death had now been averted with this ceremony and this voluntary death that I underwent. Something was definitely different within me. I felt lighter, stronger, more assured of myself. And I was happy, as happy as I had not been in a long time!
Surprisingly I felt stronger than last night when I had walked here. Still the backpack was very heavy and the camping mat under one arm and the sleeping bag dangling from the other hand was not a good way of walking for a longer distance. I got hopelessly lost at one point and didn't remember how to get out of the woods. It was the strangest wood I have ever been to, with all the little side paths, like a maze. Once again the totem posts showed me the way and finally I emerged on the frozen meadow. I could see my car in the distance on the public car park. Relieved to still see it there, I hastened back. All the while my heart was singing. I made it! I made it! I could hardly believe I had pulled this off by myself and passed through all these trials and tribulations by myself, without giving up or cheating. I must say I was really proud of myself. But most importantly, I felt sure that the negative karma of early death had now been averted with this ceremony and this voluntary death that I underwent. Something was definitely different within me. I felt lighter, stronger, more assured of myself. And I was happy, as happy as I had not been in a long time!
Copyright © Avalon Sakti, 20.01.2006
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